Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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