I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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