i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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