Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
