i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
