dude i'm inner monologue high
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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