Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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