"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
