i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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