I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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