He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
