those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
