WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
