Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
