OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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