my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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