first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
