Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
