the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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