so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
