she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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