i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
