I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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