dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
