There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
