you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
