Where are you?
In a non slutty way
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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