and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
BRING THE BAGELS
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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