"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
