We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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