Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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