My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
