some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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