Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
