I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
nutella sex= disaster
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
