mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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