Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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