Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
