dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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