either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
