i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
