Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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