@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
