I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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