yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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