I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
