This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
