Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
