She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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