he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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