She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
